This happened so quickly. I was to learn that humans can be so atrocious like a storm, battering wind, deadly flood or fire that you have no hope to rescue yourself from.
Initially, we chatted online and spoke on the phone, and very soon I began wanting to see her in person. I had just left a relationship and I had been quite low in the dumps. It seemed so natural and positive that I was able to strike a friendship. Her very first email, though, started with a dramatic question about our relationship. I was not suspicious at all but just took for granted her warm approach towards me. And I was really alone, having moved to a students’ hostel where I had just a tiny room at my disposal and a view of marching students to the school.
Dear Adam,
I’m sorry to ask you this, but do you want a relationship with me? I wouldn’t normally ask such a question but I was telling my best friend ( the one whose house I was leaving the first time you called ) about what a wonderful man I met. When she got me thinking… I am truly sorry that I asked, but it has been playing on my mind now.
I’d love to exchange photos. I haven’t got a recent photo of myself, or any of those but I will get a photo done for you. I look forward to seeing your photo.
Thank you for talking to me on the phone, though the conversation was short; it was great to hear your lovely voice again. I will try to give you a call on Sunday, if that’s o.k? What
religion are you?
I look forward to hearing from you,
Yours,
Eva
xx
Then sudenly the alarm bell rang; I said that I was much surprised by her openness, in response she appologised for asking me directly about my approach towards her, thus casting doubt about my intentions. Actually, I did not even know what she looked like apart from being able to have a glimpse of a passport size photo of hers. I think that at that time these questions and doubts that she put forward seemed to be kind of innocent, not sinister, not hiding a venomous personality, which I, in the not distant future, learnt to know and experience painfully. She carried on trying to play a game with my lack of insight into her well planned, or I should say sick, attempt to abuse me.And when I think about her approach towards my sex drive it is like watching a horror film, she knew very well what she was up to, she set up a trap for me and there was going to be no escape for me. And she played a cat and mouse game with me teasing me, telling me that ”she felt sorry for hurting me by asking such questions.”
Dear Adam,
I felt I had to write after you phoned me today, because I feel really guilty for accusing you in my last e-mail to you. I am SO SORRY Adam. I got talking with my friend and started to think the worst. I unfortunately have to admit that I’m a somewhat cautious and suspicious person by nature. It takes me time to trust people. You hear all these horror stories …
I’m sorry for what I said in the last e-mail I sent, I’m sorry I ever doubted you, and in the process upset you. You sound like such a nice guy, I love your voice. I think that you probably are genuine and feel really upset that I may’ve caused you any pain.
I hope you can forgive me?
Yours,
Eva
xx
Within weeks it turned out that I could travel to London, where a get together was an option. In the meantime, she kept being kind to me, but at the same time she surprised me by asking questions to which I was unprepared to answer, like, for example, about my sex drive,which noe seems to be a warning I should not have ignored. On the other hand, I found a lot of warmth in her emails and when talking to her on the phone, as if I felt being encouraged to believe our friendhip was worth pursuing, which I unwittingly did.
Dearest Adam,
The time is so near now. Anticipation overwhelms my heart and fear is not far behind it. I wondered if have you been able to secure a place to stay for the night? You know? I haven’t even got an Idea of what to do on the day you come. Got any ideas of what you’d like to do? My daughter shall be with me. I hope that won’t be a problem. Will you be travelling by train? how long will the journey be? I don’t know where in Victoria we shall meet. But as for recognizing me, I am a well rounded big woman, not slim but of ample size. My hair is cut in a short style with red
streaks in the front. Not quite sure what I’ll be wearing yet. Maybe a blue dress with flowers all over it or maybe trousers? What shall you be
wearing? What should I look out for?
You said the magic words. By telling me you have never met anybody like me, to me, is like saying I am exceptional, special. It’s one of the best complements you could ever have paid me, it’s right up there with when you told me that you find me very clever in a previous email. I love you for that.
As to your reply about your sex drive. I’m happy with what you said, I feel like my concerns are cleared up now. I know it can be a bit embarrassing talking about such an intimate subject if one is not used to speaking so freely about such thing. But I want you to know that there is nothing you can say that I will hate you for. I love learning about you, be it good or bad, because I feel it brings me closer to you, and that is a good thing.
I don’t know why, but I always seem to prefer to write in the early hours of the morning. I’m thinking that maybe it’s because once I’ve put my little one to bed, I’m not so distracted and have more time to concentrate and think. Anyway, I’ve always been a bit of a night owl. Have you just turned 38? That was amassing, me emailing you the
confession of my heart on your birthday. I’ve never really believed in the Zodiac. I think it’s because I’ve felt it can hinder people. I’ve always thought it kind of takes some of your free will away. But that is really cool ! That we’re both Scorpios. God must have played a hand in
putting us together.
See you soon. My dear special gentleman.
Yours
Eva
xxx
It did happen that I travelled to London and we met at Victoria Station, the encounter was very short, a couple of hours, her little 3 year old daugher A. was running around giving her mum a sense of pride, she liked to make comments about her daughter’s looks and modelling talents. After some more general questions and answers, I listened to her confessions about her abusive ex partner, who instigated domestic violance and was abusive towards her and his daughter. She then, all of a sudden, speculated on the future and our possible relationship seeing in me her protector. It was extremely abrupt and bore little significance. Yet, after my return to Poland I was faced with her succint email in which she made reference to our possible marriage and necessery testing. For me, this was abit too far and to much to take and so I expected that we would stop contacting each other.
Dearest Adam,
I forgot to say that before I would get married I would want blood testing first, and this can take at least two weeks.
Hope to hear from you soon. Hope you got home o.k.
Yours
Eva
Then after a period of silence , she telephoned me to try a new plan of hers. She said she wanted to visit Poland and so I was to be of help to her. I felt reassured and so I saw no reason why I should not provide her with my assistance and facilitate her stay in Zary, and as she, all the time, seemed so vulnerable I saw a role for myself. I thought I would not mind at all, besides I found this plan a good challange.
Dearest Adam,
I haven’t heard from you since I sent you my last e-mail, other than when I called you. If you’re cooling off now because of what I said,then that’s o.k. I away said I would just let things run there natural course and see what comes of it. At least you’re getting the full picture of who I am now. Don’t you think it’s better this way than to get married and end up finding out when it’s to late. By the way, I forgot to ask you. Have you ever hit a woman?
If you’d still like me to come over to your place, that would be nice. I’ll probably book a hotel for the weekend. I wish I could come over for Christmas but because of my family over here, I can’t. They don’t even know that I’m getting serious about anybody as yet. Also I can’t be away from home for to long because I don’t have anybody to look after my pets. Being away from them for a couple of days is ok because I can just put a big bowl of water and dried dog and cat biscuits out, but not for any longer than that. I thought that maybe I could come over for the
New Millennium Year and stay a bit longer than a couple of days. But I’m concerned about how the Millennium Bug is going to hit. I wouldn’t want to be caught on a plane or train when that Y2K bug starts to kick in.
Anyway, I’ll leave it there and see if you still want to have anything to do with me. I’ll make it easy for you, if I don’t receive a response to this e-mail,then I’ll just assume that you want things to end here and I wont write ever to you again. Otherwise I look forward to hearing from you Adam.
Yours,
Eva
She was keen to let me know how independent she is and how much she appreciates the freedom of being herself even if she were to become a wife and mother, which in a way suited my perception of human existance. I never appreciated people who were unable to set themselves free from everyday chores.
Dearest Adam,
I forgot to say in the e-mail I sent last night that I don’t mind being a housewife I just don’t want to be condemned to it by my husband. I want the freedom and the option to choose. Also, I’m only suspicious of people until I get to know them. I wouldn’t always stay suspicious off someone once I know them well.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours,
Eva
x
The inevitable came. That’s it, a good bye email arrived!
Dear Adam,
It’s not going to work. I’m sorry. I know you were not dumping me, but I agree, I think we had better stop exchanging letters, phone calls etc. We wouldn’t want to be cheated. Please DON’T contact me again. Thank you. Fate has spoken.
Eva
It has not taken long before Eva changed her mind, furthermore, I could feel I was invited to forget about what she had just anounced to me. I was given no time to think it over. On the other hand, I was more than happy to see that she was kind of down to earth and stayed away from her existential fears. But there was more to come, her all words were uttered only with one thought on her mind: how to ease her way to survival.
Dear Adam,
I’ve missed you. I hope we can get talking again. I’d like us to be friends. Having no contact with you at all hurts. I think I’ve bonded with you, which makes it hard to let you go. I’m sorry I ended things the way I did. I hope you’ll still like to talk to me again. It was my birthday yesterday. Which means I am now officially 27, I say officially because I’ve been calling myself 27 for the past couple of months now. I don’t think I’m going to do that any more. We grow old quick enough without me trying to prematurely age myself, by saying I’m
older than I actually am.
I didn’t do anything special for my birthday. I don’t usually do anything at all for my birthday any more. Not even a cake. The only person’s birthday I celebrate nowadays seem to be my daughter’s.
As usual I will be going around to family and friends Saturday. It’s been really cool talking to my brother since he got he’s new mobile phone. It’s just so much easier to keep in touch. It looks like every body’s getting a mobile nowadays, every body in my immediate family has one. The mobile my dad’s got is not a very good one. My puppy’s gone virtually crazy since her sister’s left. I can’t remember if I said, but I was looking after my friend’s puppy and she’s taken her back now. Even though my puppy’s got the cats to keep her company, I think she’s missing the company of another dog. I’m sure she’s adapt back to normal. But for now she’s taken to ripping up my house and clothes. I think what I’m going to do is buy or maybe try to make a dog’s house so that I can keep her in the garden.
Anyway, how have you been keeping? Will you be teaching Saturday. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours
Eva
x
But then, all of a sudden, I was burdened with all the might of her ups and downs: she did not hesitate to go deep into religious matters, asking me how I felt about Holy Mary. I inferred she was much against assuming she deserves to be prayed to. I am a catholic and always have I prayed to God, never did I think twice about how much shuld I revere Mary, she is the mother of Jesus Christ and I never went beyond that. The anxieties were overhelming and her emails were so scary, to tell the truth. And I don’t know why, all of a sudden, she placed her matrimonial ad, in her email as well.
Dear Adam,
I believe you do care for me deeply but I don’t want you to say you love me when deep down inside you know that that isn’t the way you really feel. I didn’t end things between us because you said you didn’t love me. I think that’s maybe what you were thinking and that is why you are saying now that you love me. But if that isn’t what you really feel then please don’t say it. Because for one, it means you’re lying to me and deception is no basis for a relationship.
I’m not sure what I want to develop between us any more but what I am sure of is I don’t want to lose you as a friends. I do like you and care about you a lot. I do think we have been getting well and I can still see you as my husband. I see you as some one special in my life.
How do I feel about the Holy Mary? Well I don’t actually place any importance on her. I realize that she was in a privileged position to be chosen and even made for the reason of carrying, bringing into this world and raise along with Joseph her husband, the living incarnation of God himself made flesh. No creation is equal to or more important than the creator, God. I have been taught that God is a jealous God who wants us to have a relationship with him in the name of Jesus Christ.
I don’t pray to Mary, to Saints, or hail Mary’s, I don’t believe in talking or praying to the dead. I’ve been taught that that is idolatry. I don’t believe that when you take the Eucharist that it actually becomes the blood and body of Christ. I don’t believe in doing penance for committing a sin, but that if you are truly sorry and ask God in the name of Jesus Christ for forgiveness then God will forgive you. I don’t believe that if you confess your sins to a priest and the priest says you’re forgiven that you truly are forgiven, I don’t believe the priest has the power to forgive. I don’t believe in kissing or touching statues, paintings or any graven image for luck, blessing, healing or protection. I don’t believe that anyone is saved and will go to heaven
unless they are born again and filled with the Holy Spirit. I don’t believe that a child that is under the age of accountability around the age of 12 will go to hell if they are not baptized / christened. I believe that all children who die under the age of accountability will go to heaven.
I’m not trying to knock the Catholic religion and actually respect Catholicism. I realize that as a christian, I am still learning and feel I am open to review and correction of what I presently believe. I know that maybe some of my assumptions about the Catholic religion maybe way off mark. No one has all the answers or knows a 100% of the truth except God.
I really feel tired today. Just felt like laying back and relaxing. I Didn’t really feel like even writing anything on the computer today but as I promised you I would send an e-mail, I felt obligated. I wish you were here though. I would rather spend time in your company than like this, over a computer.
I’ve just been listening to some pop music in the charts at the moment on my radio. I’m going to past a copy of my ad as a reminder and so that
you can get a better idea of who I am.
——————————————————————————————————————————
I’m a 27 yr old, 5ft 7ins tall, full figured, black BBW ( big beautiful woman ) from London, England. I rarely drink (mostly at Christmas),
don’t smoke and am a Born Again Christian. I like to explore / try new things and I’m open minded, I’m a committed ( no ring no ding, get it !
) christian searching for my soul mate. I’m presently trying to learn to roller and ice skate.
I enjoy swimming, eating out, experiencing different cultures foods, cycling, reading, watching T.V, sharing intimate moments ( with Mr Right? ), walks in the park, being adventurous, spontaneous, DIY, nature/wildlife, animals, science, science fiction and have a fun sense of humour.
I have a diverse tastes in all music. Some of the music I like is: Jamiroquai, TLC, Bjork, Tupac Shakur, Janet Jackson, Busta Rhymes,Mozart, Bob Marley, Vanessa Mea, Lauren Hill, Skunk Anansie, Puff Daddy, Brandy, Whitney Houston, Natelie Imbruglia, Will Smith, Missy Elliot and others ( wasn’t kidding was I ! ).
I have one multiracial ( black / white ) child of three and a half. And four pets, consisting of 2 cats, 1 kitten and a puppy, which I just got recently for myself and my little one.
I’m looking for my Ivory dream man / soul mate. That someone special that I’ll click with, who’s family orientated, faithful, caring, adventurous, affectionate and loving, ( own hair and teeth preferred !). To share our lives together in a long term / serious / committed relationship / marriage.
Though I was born and live in London, England. I would relocate, if I found my Mr Right !, ( he whose children I wish to bare ! ). My perfect match would be: Between 25-40yrs old, White, from 5ft8ins +, and a non-smoker. If this sounds like you, then drop me a line. We could see in the new Millennium together in each others arms. A new
beginning all-round.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Eva
Oops! How much was I takaen aback when again Eva tried to explore her anxieties and put forward questions that i would have never come up with, which made me tremble with fear
My dear Adam,
Here is a copy of the questions I said that I was going to send to you when I phoned this morning. I’ve had them for a while now, I know that you have answered some of these questions already and also that some of then may not apply to you but I’ve decided to send them. Please feel free to answer as many or as few as you feel comfortable with. They are actually questions that me and my friend thought up to ask people who replied to our different ads because we both have ads on the internet and we’re basically looking for almost the same thing in a man. Once again, please answer as many questions as you feel comfortable with and leave whatever ones you wish to leave.
1. CAREER:
What do you do? What does your work entail? How long have you been in your profession for? How many hours do you work? Would it mean that most of the time you’re away?
2. APPEARANCE:
How would you describe your look? Do you agree to women wearing make up ( lipstick and nail varnish )? Could you send me a clear / close up photo?
3. FAMILY:
Are your parents alive? How old are they if they’re alive? If they’re dead how did they die? Do you have any brothers or sisters? If yes, are you the the youngest / oldest? Would you date or marry races outside of your race? Are your parents Christians? And what do they think about interracial relationships? Would you like children of your own? If you were married would you agree that your wife take contraception? If we got married would you discipline the children? Do you believe in smacking? Would you be prepared to adopt my child/ren as your own if things got serious? How long would you court someone if you are compatible to them in heart, mind and soul? Would you read bedtime stories to the children and take them to the park for camping or looking for nature?
4. POLITICS:
What’s your political orientation? What is your political view? Are you for or against the death penalty? Are you vegetarian?
5. CHRISTIANITY:
Are you a Christian? ( If no, please skip these questions if you wish ). If yes, are you Holy Spirit filled? How long have you been a Christian for? Do you do street evangelism with the body of Christ? If no, why? Are you a worker in the church? Do you know God’s calling in your life? What do you expect from a christian wife? Do you believe it’s more important to have a personal relationship with God, as oppose to attending church regularly? If I went to a different church, would that cause any problems in our marriage? Would you mind me praying in tongues? Do you celebrate Christmas? Do you believe in hell? Have you ever dabbled in the occult? If yes, do you still?
6. CLOTHING:
How would you like to see your wife dressing?
7. RELATIONSHIP:
Where do you see thing developing between us? Where do you see our relationship going? Can I ask you a personal question? When was your last sexual encounter? What’s the longest and shortest relationship you’ve had? Have you ever cheated on your partner in a relationship? Would you be willing to get a blood test if we were to get married? Can you handle a courtship without sex until married? If we get married are you willing to please me in all areas, mind, body and soul? To be my friend, lover, minister ( If Christian ), protector and provider? Would you be faithful in a courtship without sex? ( Tell the truth and shame the devil ) Would you kiss and cuddle in a courtship? How long would you wait to get married? If you were courting and you became very emotionally bonded, would you marry sooner? Would you be able to visit me often if things get serious? Do you know that there are FIVE types of love? Would you be the main bread winner? If we were married would we have a joint bank account or would I be given house keeping money? Would you EXPECT your wife to be a bread winner? What do you expect from your wife? When’s your birthday?
8. PERSONALITY:
What type of music do you listen to? Do you like singing? and what do you like singing about? What programmes do you watch, i.e. dramas, horrors, fiction? Do you watch Jerry Springer, and what is your opinion about it? Do you like reading, cooking and walks in the country side? Are you romantic, forgiving, considerate, understanding and affectionate? Do you like spicy food? If we’re married and you asked me to do something and I did it wrong what would you do? Do you get angry? And what do you do about? If someone upsets you how many days does it take you to calm down? Have you ever hit a woman? Have you ever used drugs? Do you like football and soccer, cricket and tennis ? Would you play these and other games with the children?
9. SEXUALITY:
Have you ever dress up as a woman? Have you ever fantasized about homosexual sex? Have you ever tried homosexual sex? If yes, would you do it again? Have you ever made love to more than one woman at once? Have you ever been tied up? Have you ever tried S&M? Do you like deep penetration? Have you ever fingered a woman? Have you ever been wanked by a woman? Have you ever had oral sex? Have you ever given oral sex? Have you ever had anal sex? How do you like your foreplay? Has any body asked you to cyber sex? Did you try it? Did you like it? Do you still do it? If yes, how often? How often would you like making love: daily, weekly or monthly? How long do you make love for: 5 minutes, half an hour, an hour or all night? Would you get an HIV / STD test before we were sexually intimate? Have you ever fantasized about having sex with children or animals? Have you ever acted on these fantasies?
I hope to hear from you soon Adam,
Yours,
Eva
x
I was unable to respond to these questions, I felt I was treated like a puppet and being derided by someone having auhority over me.
Then came here remorse, she wanted to make the impression that she felt guilty and appeared to show that she realized that some qoestions would have been offensive.
Dear Adam,
When you get this e-mail, if you are still up. Please could you phone me or e-mail me so that I may phone you.
Yours,
Eva
Dear Adam,
I fear I must have offended you with the questions I sent because I noticed a rather harsh tone to your e-mail in answering the questions.
so yes, I’ve “got It !” now. Why do you say that I will never understand why your parents died. I’m willing to try to understand anything and everything about your life and background. In one of the questions it is asked “what do your parents think about interracial relationships?” Which means, are your parents for or against people of different races marrying? I have never wanted to know about my parents’ sexual needs either and I don’t think I asked you such a question.
I do realize that just because I’ve asked someone a question doesn’t mean I’m going to receive a truthful answer but I still feel that one is almost there just by being able to ask and get an answer. I wasn’t implying that you should do anything you consider impure or pornographic. The questions were just to find out better who you are deep down inside.
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to answer your phone call when you called me yesterday. After I phoned you I stayed up to prepare for the day ahead, because I had to go out to pay bills and do some shopping that morning, which meant I hadn’t slept all day. So I ended up having a nap in the afternoon.
Yesterday I got some devastating news. That stupid evil man who I’m ashamed to say is my little girl’s father and not even a good one. Out of spite is taking me back to court in only two weeks, over her because I missed a visit recently where I didn’t turn up to bring my child to see that evil piece of sh**. I went out of my way to phone him to let him know I wouldn’t be able to bring her. It wasn’t enough that he had to insult me on the phone, this is how he has to repay me also. I wish I’d never met that sick, depraved, nasty, lunatic. Believe me when I tell you these words are not too harsh for a man like him. He made my life hell when we were together and is trying to make my life hell now we’re apart.
I can’t believe he’s doing this to me again, taking me to court, and for what, out of pure spite. He is a very evil, disgusting, spiteful man and if I never see him again it will be too soon. I feel like he’s trying to destroy my life. Though I love my daughter very much, I wish I never had a child with that man and I thank God I never married him. He’s only doing this to hurt me and because it’s free as he doesn’t work. If he was working he wouldn’t even bother to take me to court because he wouldn’t want to spend the money. I don’t think he even truly loves her because he sure doesn’t show it when he’s with her. He doesn’t even support her financially.
I’ve got to find a new solicitor and try to find out what my rights are and what I can fight for or against before I go to court in a fortnight or I’ll probably get totally screwed over in court. I wish you could go with me. But anyway, I go off this topic now and talk about something else.
April does like you very much and remembers you and I think that’s why she asked to speak to you on the phone. The questions are not just mine. My friend and I decided to write them down because she uses then to assess her potential husbands. Some of those questions my friend thought up and have nothing to do with me. I didn’t edit the question for you as I now think perhaps I should have. I just sent them to you. I do feel dignified already and don’t feel that the topics asked about are dirty because I’m not asking as a way of getting aroused and I get NO sexual pleasure out of hearing the answers. I’m sorry that is what you think of me. It may be “Catholic guilt !” that allows you to see me in this way? How do I treat you like a machine? I really do not look down
on you or see you as a pig or someone without brains or dignity.
I’m sorry I offended you with the questions.
Yours
Eva
x
I never took offence and what is more reassured Eva that I am beyond these matters, that anyone could have asked simlar questions. Then all of a sudden Eva drew my attention to her ex-boyfriend whom she accused of turning her life into a nightmare.
Dear Adam,
Thank you for your e-mails today. I feel stronger because I have you supporting me emotionally through this time. I never thought I would be sharing such personal details about my life so soon, as I am normally a very private person and would usually have to know someone quite well before getting so deeply involved with them in something I consider so personal. But I’m glad I shared with you what is happening in my life at the moment because I feel better for talking to you.
I don’t think the “lunatic” is taking me to court because he wants me to care for him as I feel he has accepted that things are well and truly over between us. Though as far a I’m aware, he isn’t in a relationship with anyone at the moment. I think the reason he is doing this is to teach me a lesson because he was angry at me for missing the last visit he had with April, to control and punish me.
I still haven’t found a new solicitor yet and I know I can’t leave it too long because the time is getting closer and closer to the due court date. I even feel like not turning up for it, but I’ve been warned that I could be arrested and jailed just for that and what is more likely to happen if I don’t turn up is that without someone there to represent me, he will probably get most everything ruled in his favour.
Today has just been a day of stress and worry for me, and even though people ( such as my brother ) tell me not to worry, I find I can’t help it. I’m sorry this is all I seem to be talking about lately. I don’t mean to keep going on about it but I find I can barely think of anything
else at the moment, and it helps a bit to talk about it. I hope I don’t go on about it so much that I drive you mad with boredom.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Eva
x
Later on Evan even went furtehr accusing her ex of bein a ‘lunatic’, at the same time she sought my compassion and undersstanding. That was a pretty nasty game of hers, anyone could be drawn in and enticed, especially someone like me: a poor Polish citizen looking up to the west for examples. I was the best material to be used for deception. On top of that Eva directly said she relied on me and that she trusted me.
Dear Adam,
I do feel very close to you and care about you a lot Adam. I do care about what’s going on in your life and am not trying to neglect you. I want you to share your burdens with me. But you haven’t shared with me
any problems that you are going through, so how can I be there for you when I don’t know what you are going through. Just because I have my problems ( and I’m glad that you want to share these burdens with me and take them on as if they were your own ) doesn’t mean that I am not able to hear your problems share what you are going through and be there for you. You say you have problems too, so please share them with me. I’m trusting you enough to share with you the personal details of my life and you know it takes a lot for me to trust people, so you should feel
able to do the same.
I don’t think I can stop being angry with that weird man until the situation has past because I’m going through it right now, the wound is too fresh, I can’t see ahead of me. Please explain to me how I am living in the past, how I am not letting love exist and how am I destroying our relationship? I’m not dwelling on something that’s long gone. I’m dealing with the here and now. I can’t pretend it’s not happening and act like everything is all right because that isn’t the case. I will do myself no favours acting like that. I don’t believe in keeping things, emotions and feelings locked up. That will only screw you up mentally. I know what I’m talking about because I did that years ago when I had a pregnancy that miscarried. I found myself being put in a situation where
I had to be strong for the “weirdo” / “lunatic” ( I don’t think it helped that I saw the dead foetus ) and so wasn’t able to express my feelings, ( having to keep then repressed then ) which psychologically manifested itself into panic attacks and a physical disorder called irritable bowel syndrome. So I have to live in the truth.
I am sharing so much of my life with you and you think that I treat you like any other man, that you don’t mean anything to me. That really hurts me. Why should I tell you these things about me and my life if you don’t mean anything to me. I am under no obligation to share these things with you. They are personal and private and I am a very private person. It is because I do care about you and am growing to trust you that I feel able to share with you these things. My father, my own flesh and blood doesn’t even know the things about me that I have shared with you. You put these assumptions on me, that I am not sincere and that I do not know you exist that’s not fare. Why should I keep coming back to you unable to let you go when I have felt prompted to end things between
us if you weren’t important to me. I thought you would support me, be a crotch for me to lean on but I feel you hold me in contempt. You don’t want to share my life, you want me to just focus just on you, that’s why you accuse me of ignoring your existence when all I’m trying to do is to share my life with yours. I phone you in the mornings because I miss you so much and want to hear from you. I’m not working and it’s not cheap. I don’t have to do that when all I have to do is wait for you e-mail later that days night. You don’t see or want to see that you are special to me
and that I have gone out of my way for you. Even with all the problems that I’m going through.
You say you don’t know why that man accuses me, but I have already told you. It’s because I didn’t bring April for a visit and probably more importantly because when I phoned him to rearrange another time, he got angry with me and tried to argue when I put the phone done on him. So now he out of pure spite and revenge has decided to drag me back in court the 2nd time THIS year, so as to seek his revenge by lying about me to the court. He’s done it before and got away with it before. There is no justice. You don’t know half the things that man is capable of and
has done to me. I tried to tell you when we spoke on the phone yesterday, not to dwell on the past but so you could get to know the full picture. Which would of helped you understand better what I’ve already gone through and what I’m truly up against.
I am worrying so much because I am without legal representation. I am claiming “legal aid” because I’m not presently working. The solicitor I had has bumped me two weeks before the court hearing because she claims the firm of solicitors she is with are taking on legal aid cases anymore from the year 2000 and that she feels this will drag on into then. I was with that firm since 1997 and this is how they treat me. I can’t seem to find anybody willing to take my case on because they are all claiming that they won’t have enough time to prepare for the court hearing. And if I turn up at court without any legal representation I will be walked all over. So please don’t tell me not to worry. It’s the best thing I feel I can do at the moment because it helps me think of solutions to my problems.
You said you would phone me 3 o’clock today. I don’t know if that’s three o’clock your time or mine. I hope the football match you’re playing today goes well and that you have a good time. I look forward to hearing from you later on today.
Yours,
Eva
Dear Adam,
Thank you for calling me. I’m glad everything went well with the new tomb stone and that it’s a very nice one. I hope you don’t feel to sore from yesterdays football match. By the way, who won, your side or your opponents?
I slept well though it started to become quite cold. The heating switched off when I was asleep, I have hot water in the taps but the radiators packed in during the night. I’ve got no idea why but I think it could be because there’s trapped air in them, which means they will probably needs to be bled. Otherwise I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m going to contact my housing association’s maintenance department tomorrow, so hopefully they will send someone down to fix it. I think it’s brilliant that you have snow at the moment, there isn’t any here at the moment but it sure is cold enough.
I don’t know why but I seem to have slipped into a pattern at the moment where I’m going to sleep early in the evening, about 5 or 6pm and then waking up early in the morning, about 1 or 2am, which I’ll need to have to break soon.
The Court hearing is on Tuesday 30th of November at 11:30am in the morning. I would love you to be there in Court with me but because it is during the week. I think it will interfere with your work and I wouldn’t want your job to be put into jeopardy because of me. I don’t know if you would be allowed that time of work or would have enough time to give notice that you’d like that time of work. Please let me know if you can make it or not. I appreciate you wanting to come over for it and really would like you there if at all possible.
I still haven’t got any legal representation, I hope I can get a new solicitor to take on my case before the Court hearing. Otherwise I hope they take pity on me and adjourn the hearing for another day. The Courts are on the fathers side over here, and the reason why the weirdo is in a better position than mine, I’m told is because the Courts normally consider it to be in the child’s best to have contact with the father. I was even told by my now ex solicitor that even if he was a rapist or a murderer the Courts would still rule on his side. So they don’t even bother to consider the fact that the weirdo doesn’t work or pay child support.
April and I send our love. Look forward to hearing from you.
Yours,
Eva
x
Dear Adam,
Thank you for talking to me when I phoned. I have to confess that I was a bit pissed off that you said you were going to call and you didn’t. So I was actually phoning to bump you. I am the kind of person that feels that if I’m not being treated right or with respect then I will usually bump that person. I can’t stay in a relationship where I am not being treated right. I don’t like waiting on people and I can’t tolerate people that lie to me, especially when it is concerning starting a relationship. Anyway, after talking to you I’ve changed my mind. I not
going to end things now. I would love for you to come over around
Christmas.
Yours
Eva
x
Dear Adam,
I know I said we wouldn’t have contact until next Sunday, but I feel in a kind of limbo like this, and I can’t continue in this way until next Sunday. Please, I have to ask you, I’m begging you, please. Please let this relationship between us end. I’m being torn apart here and I have to get out while I still can. I’ve been thinking about why I feel we should end our relationship, trying to pin point the reason why, and I know why I think this relationship isn’t right. I can’t have a relationship with you because your actions don’t match up to your words and because I’m just to much of a needy person to be with you. I meant it when I said I love you, but I can’t cope with this relationship. It’s killing me. What I need you can’t give me, I know this because I’ve
been here before in past relationships and because of what I see in you. You are very persuasive, every time I try and end things between us you seem to talk me out of it, maybe that’s what I wanted, but it niggles and nags at me and know I have made up my mind. I just don’t see in your actions what you claim in your words. I don’t want to let you go, but I have to. I don’t have the same feelings that you feel, this is why I say I am a very needy person. For example, I don’t feel you are with me always the way you say you feel I am with you.
I’ve wasted over £60 talking to you on the phone. I know I’m to blame and I’m not blaming you. I loved talking to you so much and just hearing your voice, that I didn’t think rationally
about what it actually means for me financially to spend so much time talking with you the way I was. I don’t think you can offer me what I need, so far being with you is costing me money I don’t have, just because I need to hear from you and talk with you. I think you plan to come over to London and live with me while I support you, as you look for work. I know what you’ve said to me but I can’t take the risk. Your words haven’t matched your actions so far, so I ask myself why should I. These are my feelings towards you. I love you, I think about you all the time, you’re even in my dreams, I long for you, I need you here with me, I need to hear from you very minute of the day, that when I don’t I miss you, I hurt, I feel rejected. This is stupid, it’s ridiculous. I need to
get away from this situation. You must understand that this is for the best. I am not the right one for you, I’ll only drive you mad, I’m sorry. Please don’t email me or try to phone me when you get this email. Just let it be. I know I keep on swaying back and forth in my decision about ending things between us because I love you, but that is not enough, when I look at the whole picture so far, I can see it is not going to work.
I’m sorry, I do love you but this has to end. Please do not contact me.
Bye,
Eva.
My dear Adam,
I love you, I want to be with you and I am missing you too. It’s hard knowing you are so far away when I want us to be together. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together and I want to bare your children. I feel sad that you can only spend a short amount of time when you come over on the 22nd, but it’s better than nothing. I even thought that I could book a return ticket to your place so that I could travel with you back and spend sometime with you there. But when I looked into it I was told I needed to know the destination so that I could buy the right couch ticket at Victoria, because the tickets vary in price. But I wasn’t sure of the destination and the time of travel was different to yours also, because they told me the last couch leaves at 2pm and I know yours leaves later that day at around 6pm which means we wouldn’t be able to travel together.
The ticket price for a return ticket was around £100 and I was told the journey would take 26hr. It was probably a different couch company anyway. I’m not sure if I could have booked somewhere to stay. I did look into flying over but the prices were from as twice much to even four times as much, if I wanted to come back before Saturday / Sunday. Shocking!!!
I was listening to the radio when I called you this morning, in case you were wondering what the music was in the background. I feel bad that your throat seems to be so sore. Garlic is said to be a good natural anti-viral food, but it’s said that you have to eat it raw to reap the benefits. I didn’t want us to end talking when I phoned this morning but I knew I had to let you go because you had work to go to and I wouldn’t want to make you late.
Life is rather difficult for me at the moment. I have to prepare a statement which has to be handed in to the court concerning April’s father, by the 21st and I haven’t even started on it yet. It feel almost the same as trying to write to you, because I don’t know where to start or what to write, or should I say how to compile it. I’m also due to see a court welfare officer soon so that they can make there report. Which is kind of stressing me out because I know if I don’t express myself, my thoughts and my feelings to them properly then it will affect the out come of there report, which in turn affects the result on my life.
I did feel that I couldn’t express to you the day to day things that I’m going through because the last time that I did that you expressed a feeling on the 19/11, that I was focusing too much on my ex and that you felt I was neglecting you in the process. Accusing me of such things as I’m living in the past, not letting love exist and how I am destroying our relationship. Those comments kind of hindered me sharing with you what I’m going through.
Anyway, My dear Adam, I love you very much as always and shall speak to you soon,
Yours,
Eva
x
Dear Adam,
I wanted to write after we spoke on the phone this morning. I can understand that you probably have the impression that I am an impatient screamer from hearing the way that I discipline my child, and who knows, maybe you’re right. Though I think from your comments that you have know understanding of the day to day reality of bringing up a child. It will be interesting to see your approach to disciplining April when we are married.
I have to say, that I remember one of the times that I was talking to you on the phone and April was jumping on the chair when I shouted at her to sit down please. If I had just said to sit down she would not have done so, I know this because I have been there before. She is very fond of jumping on the springy chair and it has resulted in her hurting herself and cutting her lip in the past. So maybe a lack of patients is manifesting when I’m having to tell her time and time again for the 90th time not to jump on the chair and to sit down. She is a beautiful little three and a half year old girl but she is no angel. And I have had to deal with the bad times along with the good by myself. But if you think that you can be a better parent to her than me
then go right ahead. It will be interesting to see if you are right and maybe I will learn something from watching you?
I think we will have to discuss more the issue of discipline because I am aware that you are against smacking, which I was brought up with and am not against. I have heard the arguments for and against smacking and I am happy with my belief and stance and don’t see my point of view changing. I am now also aware that you consider raising ones voice to discipline, to be screaming, scaring and acting in anger. Can I ask if you see a child doing something that isn’t good for them and they won’t listen to or keep going back when you try to reason, how you would then approach the situation? How would you approach a child that doesn’t want to eat either?
See, it is issues like this that I feel need to be talked out and why I feel one really needs to get to know each other well before one is married. Otherwise resentment can occur and one can find oneself yelling “I wish I never married you”. Religion is another. I have to say now that I expect any children I have to be brought up in my religion because I believe that salvation is only through those faiths that are similar to my denominations belief?
I do love you but I am willing not to get married if major issues arise that cannot be over come because I know that otherwise I would have an unhappy marriage and I couldn’t live that way. I feel sure deep down within myself that I definitely will marry one day. Sooner or later and I think you would have this same attitude if you changed your perspective towards yourself.
I think we shouldn’t avoid bringing up issues for fear of breaking up, because marriage is a serious issue and I don’t think either of us would want to be stuck in a bad marriage or end up getting divorced. I think if we bring up an issue of contention, then we shouldn’t make quick decisions there and then but be able to go away and think about it. Then come back and discuss it again. If after that nothing can be resolved then……? I think that to truly get to know and feel comfortable with each other takes more than just talking. I think you have to be physically present.
To be absolutely honest. I originally wanted to marry a foreigner. I thought it would have been an American, and leave this country and my God forsaken home to join them in a new life. There is nothing but a living hell for me here. I am struggling financially. I am in debt of over £3000 and more bills are coming in all the time. I can’t even afford to get my daughter a Christmas present this year. I’m lucky she still doesn’t understand western worlds capitalistic meaning of Christmas, so she wont miss getting presents from me. If I’m in this same situation next year then I’m sure that she will be old enough to wonder why she hasn’t got any presents.
My home is full of mould and damp. The carpet I did have has rotted away and I can’t afford to replace it and even if I could I wouldn’t put carpet down again but vinyl. There is mould creeping up the walls and I don’t know how I function from day to day. I think if I was money orientated then I think I would of ended our relationship long ago for this reason. Anyway, believe it or not I haven’t even started on my statement yet and I have to hand it in today. I am just so fed up. But I think I’ve reached the end of my moaning for now. So shall speak to you soon. By the way, I’m a bit of a pessimist by nature.
Yours,
Eva
x
My dear darling Adam,
I probably won’t be able to call you back when you call me tomorrow because I have to be careful not to really over spend. I love you so much and miss you all the time. All I want to do is spend time in your company, talking to you and being with you. I miss you so much, and crave so badly for you when we don’t speak. I can’t get you out of my mind, you’re on my mind all the time now. All I want to do is to be with you. I even feel like saying to hell with everything and just going to you tomorrow and marrying you straight away. But I’m trying to stay practical and not let my heart rule my head, as this can blind oneself.
I didn’t want to get off the phone when we spoke, I didn’t want to let you go. I feel wounded ever minute of the day that we don’t speak, as if my heart is tearing apart. I feel as I need you to live, you are my medicine. I feel as if I’m in a desperate panic when we’re out of touch, when I can’t reach you even on the phone. I feel as if half of me is missing and that I won’t be back to normal unless you are here with me. But once again I have to tell myself not to dive in head first like this and to be careful. I feel so vulnerable, and as if I’m losing control of my environment. Like I’m getting trapped by fate for some sinister purpose. Maybe “life” wants to play games with my heart, mind and life.
The way I’m feeling scares me. I still feel that I don’t really know you well enough. I ask myself what if I’m getting really sucked in here. What if my first gut instincts were right and you have some ulterior motive that I’m not yet aware of. I still feel like there’s something you want and you’re using me to get it. Yet I love you and miss you so much it hurt. I said to you once before when I wanted to and tried to end things between us, that I hate feeling like this and I do. I feel like I have no control over my life and I don’t like it. I know we as humans have to take risk sometime and so the consequences and rewards that come with it, but I am just so scare of getting hurt. I’m stuck, as if in a lose lose situation. What path should I take, what way should I go, what should I do??? I feel like screaming.
Like some love sick teenager, the only release I have from this torment of my heart and soul is to phone you, just to spend some minutes, occasionally hours talking to you. Feeling close to you my love, so many hundreds of mile away from me. I miss being able to call you up in the mornings just before you go to work. I really hope you will get a mobile phone. Telling me you are with me doesn’t cut it for me. I need you here with me.
My darling Adam, I really want you, to be one with you, for us to make love. I think you’re so cute, so gorgeous. The kiss before you left me is still racing through my mind. I long to kiss your soft tender lips again. I want you so bad but I won’t do anything ( anyway, it takes two to tango!! ). I shall remember that God comes first and plus we haven’t had that STD / HIV test done and that is very important to me in this day and age. You’ve told me you sexual history but I don’t know if I believe you fully yet ( nothing against you ). I know I’m clean because the last person I was with was my daughters father years ago now and I got test after we split up. Anyway, I’ve chosen to go three years without, so I think I can wait another few months until the ring is on the finger ( Can you? ) no matter how much I long for you. I guess you’re wondering by now what has possessed me today. My conversation is not its usual self.
Just talking out my thoughts and feelings to you my love. I shall send this before I have second thoughts about telling you all I’ve just said, and so end up deleting the whole thing. No I’ll not get embarrassed, Because I want to talk to you this way. I want to be able to talk openly with you about everything on my mind because we should be that close. I don’t think I’m being dirty or sleazy but if you do then please tell me and I won’t talk to you in any such ways again. I say this because I remembered you seemed uncomfortable talking about sexuality when I sent you those questions that time, you took then quite badly. If you have any questions for me then I want you to feel able to ask me, please ask away!!! By the way, what kind of degrees have you got i.e BA, masters, etc?
See you in 17 days honey,
Love,
Your
Eva.
x
Hi Honey,
I trust you’ve received the last email I sent you last night and the Christmas card I sent you with the email before that. Guess what!! today I was able to book two tickets over the phone using my credit card. Gosh! can you believe the new millennium is just a couple of day away now.
It is just so scary, like I mentioned on the phone. I have never travelled by myself before and am filled with absolute fear of what if something on the way or coming back were to go wrong.
My darling, I’ll leave it there for now and will speak to you soon.
With all my heart,
Love,
Your
Eva.
x
My darling Adam,
If ever you find you can’t reach me and you wanted to leave me a message. The phone number for my mobile phone’s messaging service is: 0044-802-090-100. When you call this number, it will ask you to dial in my phone number followed by star*. Then you will be connected to my answer phone / voice mail. I love talking to you on the phone and I hate having to let you go. I think I have to be careful because I’m getting very clingy to you and I don’t think my phone bill can handle it.
Honey, I don’t want us to get married. Lets live together, I love you very much and I want your children but I don’t want to get married any more. Not to anybody. I still want to come over to you and spend time with you as planned and from there hopefully we can arrange a time for you to come over and spend time with me at my house.
Anyway, I hope to phone you tomorrow so I’ll speak to you then.
Love,
Your
Eva.
x
Dearest Adam,
Did you call my voice mail messaging service today. Because I was alerted that a message had been left but when I called to check, there was no message. I won’t be able to phone you for a while. I just can’t afford it anymore right now. I found out today how much that long around two hour call I made to you last night cost me. I won’t tell you how much because it is not my intention to put you on some kind of guilt trip, especially for something I caused, but I will have to watch things for a while if I don’t want my debts to spiral way out of control.
You sounded kind of bitter and twisted over the fact that I was able to buy a computer from my catalogue while not presently working anymore. While you have to “work hard for ever penny you get”. Don’t think that I’m living in the lap of luxury here, because I’m far from it. I all ready told you that I’m over three thousand pounds in debt and I have to get in debt ever time I want to buy something. I try to get myself out of debt but I seem to be getting more into it. Meeting you hasn’t helped either because I’ve accumulated a lot of extra debt just calling you on the
phone. By the time I’ve paid off the debt and there interest charges, I may of ended up paying out around five thousand pounds on a three thousand pound debt, and that’s if I’m lucky.
I just got some bad news today, I have to go in to see a court welfare officer when I get back. They actually booked the appointment for the 21st but obviously as I’m going to still be with you that day, I had to phoned and ask them to rearrange. They’ve given me a new appointment for the 24th, so as soon as I get home, the next day I have to go for that appointment.
I was talking to my friend Lucy, about my fears over travelling and she asked if she could come along with me. I said I would have to ask you first, what do you think?
Shall write to you again soon,
Love,
Your
Eva.
x
Dearest Adam,
You are very over dramatic, It’s very selfish to tell me that I should do what you want. Do you think I should just get married when I’m full of doubts, should I just do it to please you. You accuse me of hurting and destroying you. What about me and what I want, should I over look decisions that affect me and my daughters life just to satisfy you? If you really loved me you would want me to be happy no matter what, you would still want to live with me, dedicate everything and share your life with me regardless of whether a “piece of paper” was involved or not. Or is it that your ego can’t handle my suggestion, you want to save face with those around you.
I didn’t want my friend there intruding on our time together but felt I had to at least ask as I said I would. Obviously you don’t care about our time together or you wouldn’t be so happy to have a third party involved, intruding. What do you mean by saying that I’ll have someone to talk to while you are away, will I not be able to go out and about while you are away? Or would that be too dangerous for me?
Why wouldn’t you like to teach me your language, is it because you wouldn’t want me to be able to understand when you’re talking to people, or because you just want to use me to brush up on your English. I find it very selfish that you clearly don’t wish to share your language with me. It makes me question again to myself, are you using me as an escape from where you live. I had imagined that we could speak this language together and even teach it to our children. I considered it a positive attribute.
To be honest, I still don’t trust you. I think you are a very clever and manipulative man who will do anything to get what you want. You manipulate me by making me feel guilty with such accusation of “destroying you”. This is why I have to be careful of you. If I were a smarter person I probably wouldn’t even tell you all of this because if I’m right then it’s only going to put you on your guard, and make you try harder to deceive me. Alas, unfortunately I feel driven to tell you this, so I’m left vulnerable and my guard in down.
I do believe right now that you do want us to be together, a family, because you do believe that you love me. But also that I’ve made myself available to you, to achieve your goals in life. That you would set up home with anyone who made themselves available for this. Especially those coming from England. This was shown when you before you even believed you loved me, you were ready to get married. Which is very very strange to me. How can you approach something as serious as marriage like this. I’m scared to marry you because of that approach to it when we first met.
I propose that we live together without that “piece of paper” (marriage certificate), we can still achieve are common aims in life of family and commitment. After all, we are both Scorpios. I can and want to live with you but I DON’T want to get married anymore. If you can’t accept this then maybe we should part our ways. I think I can get some kind of part refund on the ticket to Poland that I bought.
By the way, did you call my voice mail, receive my electronic greeting card and what type of degree do you have? Anyway, I still love you very much, want us to be together and have a family, but you must understand. I don’t want to get married.
Missing you intensely.
Love
your
Eva.
x
Dear Honey,
I’ve decided to give up on trying to send a voice message, it’s just not getting through. While surfing the net, I’ve found something better. It’s free but you’ll need to down load it onto your computer, which I know will be a problem because your not connected to the internet anymore. Maybe it’ll be possible to down load it onto a disk and install it. You’ll also need a microphone.
It’s called NetMeeting 3. It incorporates three types of communication in one, i.e. visual (if have a video camera), audible (if have a microphone) and via writing. It enables you to talk live over the internet (for no extra charge other than the usual charge of being connected to the internet) as if talking on the phone. It also can be used as a kind of personal chat room, so if you didn’t have or get a microphone. Then it doesn’t matter because I could speak to you over the net through my microphone and you could reply back in writing. Though I would miss hearing your gorgeous voice if you didn’t have a microphone. You can also surf the net, send emails, faxes etc, at the same time as using the NetMeeting 3.
I hope you’ll be able to check it out and some how, will be able to use it with me. You can find it at web page: http://www.microsoft.com/windows98 .If you found away to use it you would need to down load it, Netmeeting 3 (1560KB).
I didn’t finish this letter, so that’s why I didn’t send it before, but I’ve decided to send it as it is now.
Love Eva
x
My dearest Adam,
Did you manage to down load the NetMeeting 3 program that I emailed you? I thought that as you had alot of trouble down loading it, that I could down load it for you and send it on to you. So I went to the Microsoft website and down loaded it from there, and then I retrieved it from my computer’s memory to send on to you. I wish I had thought to have done that before. It took along time to send, so I guess it must of probably taken along time for you to down load. Were you also able to receive my voice message? I sent a very small message this time so I think it
should of got through. What do you think of it? I know the sound quality probably wasn’t that good. What software do you have running your computer? Mine is windows 98.
Darling, Please don’t keep calling yourself stupid every time you don’t achieve or succeed at something, such as recently being unable to down load the NetMeeting 3 file. Would you want our children hearing there father talking about himself like this? What kind of affect do you think this will have on the children? Why do you do it anyway? Is it because you grow up with alot of criticism? Saying such negative things about ones self only reinforces it in ones mind, can cause others to view one in that same light and can have a negative affect on the children.
Is it too late for me and April to get a separate room. I would be very grateful if you could arrange this for us. I think that one room for three people is too cramped. Please don’t accuse me of being afraid of you because that isn’t the reason. Though my brother is very worried for me. I just think me and April need our own room and space. Is it still planned to go to your brother’s on Saturday, your friend on Sunday, then to the hotel from Monday?
I haven’t changed my mind about not getting married and I think I’ve mentioned it already, but I asked about the proof that I can get married thing, and the registry office said that they don’t know what I’m talking about, they’ve never heard of such a thing. They said that we would need to book an appointment and both of us would have to go down to the registry office to “give notice” which cost £23. I don’t know if it’s this your registry office means. I phoned my solicitor as well, to see where I stand and he confirmed what I already knew that if I were to
get married then the legal aid board would consider me a couple and so would have to take into consideration my husbands income to asses if he’s earning is above what is allowed, which is: £7940, then he has to pay towards the legal fees or I wouldn’t be able to get legal representation.
Did you get a mobile phone today? If so, can I have the number. My friend Lucy, told me about the this new international phone card she’s recently discovered, called the Fortune card. It’s a special phone card that has low international rates, for her to use it to call her fella in the US. It’s only 1p per minute. She gave me the number and when I called them they said that I can use the card to call you and that it would cost 75p connection fee for the first minute, plus 6p a minute = 81p for the first minute, call charges from a residential / home phone. But they said if I where to use it in a public pay phone, there would be an extra surcharge on the cost of the call of 20p per minute. So it would cost altogether 75p connection, plus 20p a minute surcharge, plus
6p a minute call charge. First minute £1.01, 26p a minute there after. Normal BT public pay phone charge is 80p per minute. I think I will try and buy it though, and use it from my home phone as it works cheaper than what I’m paying now. But I would only use it if I thought I was going to talk for a while, such as around 1hr 15 min or more, because then the call would work out around 7p a minute. Do you have any special international telephone cards over there, for phoning abroad?
Anyway Honey, speak to you soon. Hopefully over the internet.
Love you always,
Your
Eva
x
Darling, I miss you, it’s so lonely without you. I miss you so much it hurts, my heart yearns for you all the time. Every minute of the day you’re on my mind, even in my dreams. I just want to be with you, holding you, touching you, embracing you. Feeling your warm body next to mine, feeling you / your hard hot …..??? inside me. I long to be one with you again, knowing that I’m yours and you mine.
My gorgeous honey, I miss making love to you, I miss your physical presents, I want you, I need you, I long for you. When I was with you, looking at you. All I wanted to do was to kiss you, touch you, make love to you. It didn’t matter where we were all I wanted was you. McDonald’s, your car, even watching you teaching made me want you, You’re so cute, I love you. I love you so much, from deep within my heart. You mean so much, the world and more. I don’t know what I’d do without you now you’ve entered into my life. I could never give you up now, it would hurt to much, you are my life. I feel pangs of pain even knowing that I want to be with you but you’re not here. I want you so badly and yet you are so far away from me. I miss you.
Honey, I want to be able to talk to you in depth like this, I hope you don’t mind or hold it against me. I also hope you don’t decide to do anything impulsive like jumping on the next coach to London. I think you’re so cute, you’re gorgeous and you’re wonderful. And I love you.
Love you always,
Your
Eva
xxx
Honey,
Every time I talk to Rise I feel old. She was telling me about why she asked the guy Elvis to accompany her sister on holiday to Spain, and I was left feeling a little bit old and past it. Why! you ask? Because I didn’t understand some of the English slang words she used (Do you hear, know or understand the slang your students might use?).
She said that her sister had invited this girl to go along with her and already had booked and paid for the ticket when her sister found out that the friend she was going to go with is a bit weird, (i.e, she throws herself at every man that comes her way) and my friends sister decided that she doesn’t need to be dealing with that when she’s on holiday. So she’s ditched this other girl and asked her sister Jenny if she knew anyone who could take her place. When she was telling me all this, she used slang such as the now ditched friend is “dibby”? and the ditched friend made some poor man that fancied her look “doppy” (not dopy) at a party that she had deliberately invited him to.
We’re really going to have to agree to disagree concerning the political happening in Austria, because to be honest I see your view point as trivializing it and actually some what dangerous. Even the far right in this country are hiding their real, true views of “keep Britain white” to the “it not that we hate other races, it’s just that we love our own” bullshit. This seems to be a dangerous trend that’s spreading all over Europe. Anyone can rationalize anything, even a mass murderer, pedophile or zoophile can rationalise and sound convincing, as to why they need to kill the people they kill or why it’s o.k to have sex with children or animals. But you don’t come from where I come from so I can understand your lack of being able to relate, EMPATHIZE and understand my view point, like you said, we don’t have to agree on everything, do we! ( though there is an expression that goes, “United we stand, divided we fall”). I have and any children I have WILL suffer racism. This means that if we have children together, that our / YOUR children WILL suffer some racism in their life. I wonder how you’ll handle such instances.
My darling, I know I referred to you to Rise as “the guy off the internet” but she doesn’t know the full story about us yet. I hope to let her know more soon, but as you’ve even stated to me, the “timing” has to be right because she’ll be shocked, especially when she learns that not only are you Catholic (our denomination disapproves of a born again christian marrying anyone, who is NOT a “born again” christian. But as I’ve fallen from grace anyway, in our case I guess it doesn’t matter anymore) but you’ll be moving in / living with me outside of marriage. If I were talking to Lucy about you, the situation is completely different. I would probably say, it’s Adam my boyfriend, but anyway Lucy know who you are to me. You can’t actually say anything (nada! zilch!!) because remember when we were in that supermarket together and you denied me and April to your relatives, that lady and man (Hm!!). My darling, don’t think that I’m annoyed at you, I’m just being a bit blunt today which I can tend to be sometimes.
The dialing code for London phone numbers has charged from 0181 / 0171 to 0208 / 0207. For you to call me on my home phone now, you’ll have to dial: 0044-208-525-8073, I can also receive faxes on this number (old 0044-181-525-8073), my mobile’s hasn’t changed. Darling, I did some more nips and tucks to your draft. Let me know what you think and if there’s anything you think should be added or left out?
I miss you and not being able to see you, feel you and just make love to you again. I love you, I adore you Adam.
Love,
Your
Eva
x
I am so glad that you decided to provide me with the pictures of my daughter,which I cannot overestimate.
I do miss May and wish you hadn’t rejected me. The quality of the two pictures seem to be too poor to see June’s curly hair, these pictures are too dark. Anyway thank you a lot.
Hi Darling,
Thank you for writing. I am sorry for April even though chicken pox is what sooner or later we have to suffer from, as far as I know. I was so excited after had told me about May’s new skills, on the other hand I feel ashamed not to be able to help her out. By the way, I guess play pens over here seem to be even a bit more expensive than in the U.K. Last week I saw something that made me suspect it was a play pen and the price was over sixty U.K pounds. I miss May a lot and am terribly disheartened knowing that my child doesn’t get enough support from
me, neither does she get enough of my love.
Love,
Adam
Dear Eva,
Thank you very much for sending the pictures, which are great and I do enjoy them a lot. I look forward to seeing the final version of the essay rewritten by you. I will be delighted to give you any help with your studies.
Has Cerber got a new house in the garden?
Yours,
Adam
Darling,
Could you take measure of June’s feet and let me know so that I can be sure what size of shoes I should look for?
Thank you
Yours
And a big kiss from me
Adam
Darling,
Could you take measure of June’s feet and let me know so that I can be sure what size shoes I should look for?
Thank you
Yours
And a big kiss from me
Adam
I refer to our meeting on 10 July . You are the father of June . June’s mother is Eva . She has a five year old daughter from a previously relationship, April .
You are are a school teacher. You first came to know Eva as an internet pen-friend , you have visited her on a few occasions , latterly you have stayed with her for one to two weeks. You assumed
that your relationship with Eva was a permanent relationship and you arranged to attend
a language school this summer to gain qualifications for teaching English in the hope that you would therefore be able to obtain employment in the UK so that you could live together as a family.
You were aware, as a result of your previous visits, that the Hurtz were involved with Eva in connection with her older daughter April. You were never told the reason why, you
believed it had something to do with damp conditions at a flat where she used to live.You were with Eva during the birth of June and you are registered on her birth
certificate as her father.After June’ s birth, Eva told you that she wished to end the relationship with you. You came back to the UK to find out what was happening and also to start the language school. You have been seeing June on an almost daily basis since but you have not been staying overnight with the family.
You discovered a few days ago that the Hurtz were holding a meeting regarding June.You came to see me to find out what this meant. I telephoned them and it was confirmed that there was indeed a meeting convened regarding June, which was being dealt with at the same time that you were meeting me in the morning of 10th July.
I explained to you that each area has to maintain a central register listing all the children in the area who are judged to be at continuing risk of significant harm. This is the registered known as the Child Protection Register. Children have to be registered under a specific category ie, physical, emotional or sexual abuse or neglect. The fact that a child is registered does not
necessarily mean that that child has actually suffered harm, it shows that the child is judged to be at risk of harm. I advised you that the reason was probably because June was either registered on the Child Protection Register or was subject to care proceedings. You told me that a member of the Hurtz seems to attend very regularly and there also appears to be some sort of contract drawn up between the Hurtz and Eva regarding how she cares for April. April’s father is allowed to visit her once every fortnight. You believe that that contact is supervised.
We discussed various possibilities as to why April should have been at risk in the past. You need to talk to the Hurtz and also to Eva about the reasons. Because you are not a party to any proceedings regarding April you will not be allowed to see any documentation about her case but I would hope that the Hurtz will be able to explain to you why it is felt that June might also be at risk. It is also important for the Hurtz to be able to assess any future risk to June and that they are aware of your role within the family as that might alter their assessment of the risk.
The meeting at the Hurtz’ office on 1 0th July was probably an initial Child Protection Conference. At the initial conference the only decision made is whether or not to register the child
on the Child Protection “at risk” Register.
If social services feel that the risk to the child is sufficient that the child may be harmed if they do not intervene they may issue Care proceedings which would give the Hurtz
greater powers (eg, to remove the child from the mother). I have now spoken with Mr Hope who confirms that the children have now been taken off the register ie, they are not registered
now as “at risk”. He also told me that the children were on the register because of neglect which was, as you had been told by Eva, as a result of poor housing conditions at her previous
address which led to a risk of neglect. There is no allegation of physical or sexual abuse. If you wish you can speak with Mr Hope – he has a very strong accent so you may find him difficult to understand.
We discussed the fact that because you are not married to Eva that you do not automatically have parental responsibility for June. Eva has already raised with you the question of parental responsibility but she has told you that she does not want to get married and has also told you that she is not willing to consent to you being given parental responsibility.
Parental responsibility give you a right to make major decisions about the child, ie, where the child should live, what religion the child should be brought up in and what school the child should go to.
If both parents have parental responsibility then they should exercise this jointly. If a Care Order is made then the Hurtz acquire parental responsibility and are able to make major decisions
about a child instead of the parents. A Court can grant you parental responsibility by making an Order providing you can show your commitment to the child.
If in the future you need to apply to Court for a Contact Order or Parental Responsibility Order or even a Residence Order, you will have to apply for a different type of Legal Service
Commission funding which will depend on your income at that time. For now there is nothing we can really do until you have had a chance to speak to the Hurtz and find out exactly why June is considered to be at risk. I am trying to put you in touch with them so that you can meet with them and discuss the problems.
In future you should be invited to attend any further Child Protection Conferences and if you wish I can attend with you (although I will not be allowed to take part in the discussion).
As mentioned above I am advising you in this matter under the terms of the Legal Service Commission’s Controlled Work Scheme and now enclose my firm’s standard letter which will
give you some further information about the scheme and how this firm works generally.
Yours Sincerely,
Ms Goodwill
I refer to our meeting on 18th December.
Dear Adam,
You originally consulted me in July regarding your daughter June born on 01.06.
Shortly after June’s birth you discovered that her name had been entered by The Hurtz on the Child Protection Register. She was regarded as a child at risk of neglect.
I discussed the case with Mr Hope. He told me that June had been registered as being at risk because of concerns over her mother Eva’ s mental health. Subsequently the Hurtz were satisfied that June was no longer at risk and her name was removed from the register. I saw you briefly in the summer. You told me that you hoped to marry Eva and that
you were going to come to stay in the UK for a period of time as a student until you found out what was going to happen to your relationship with her. You and Eva arranged to be married in August .
Subsequently Eva cancelled the wedding and told you that although she wanted to keep a relationship with you she did not want to live with you. She then told you that she was
pregnant again and that the new baby was due in May .
You returned to your place for a few months. You have been able to take a sabbatical from your work as a teacher and you are now registered as a student in the UK. This means that you are able to work part time. You returned to London in December .
Since you returned to London you have been having difficulties in communicating with Eva . She has not told you directly that she won’t let you see Eva but she cancels arrangements that are made and tells you that it is not convenient. You are very concerned about her mental state. You believe that she is shutting herself in her flat and speaking to nobody. You tell me that her flat is in a very bad state. She has even
refused to tell her new address to her best friend and she has arranged for her elder daughter April to be taken to school by somebody else so Eva does not have to leave the premises. You believe she is very depressed.
I advised you that if you were at all concerned about June’s welfare you should report your concerns to the Hurtz . The Hurtz have already been involved with Eva and
I believe that possible care proceedings were instituted regarding June in the past. It is possible that the fact Eva is pregnant again has caused her mental state to deteriorate.
I advised you that if Eva is refusing to let you see June you do have the right to apply to court for an order that you should have contact with her. I explained to you that before
you can apply for Legal Services Commission funding to make such an application to court you need to first try to resolve your difficulties over contact with Eva through a process
called mediation. A mediator who is trained to try to help parents discuss their problems together and resolve the difficulties without going to court would contact Eva to see if
she would be prepared to undergo mediation. If she was not prepared to undergo mediation then the mediator would give me a certificate which would then enable you to go to apply for
Community Legal Services funding. Once you have been assessed for funding you would have to make an application to the court. I warned you that it could take possibly two to three
months before we could get a hearing before the court. At the first hearing the court would again expect you and Eva to try and resolve matters amicably through a process through conciliation which is similar to mediation but takes place at the court in the presence of a CAFCAS employed by the courts.
I have also advised you that you should apply for an order giving you parental responsibility for June. Having parental responsibility gives you similar rights and duties to June’ s
mother. You would have to be consulted about major decisions relating to June’s life i.e. you should be consulted about what school she goes to and you will be able to consent to her
having medical treatment,. It would mean the local authority would have to involve you were they to start and further proceedings if they thought that June was at risk.
You are concerned that if you take any step against Eva she will become even more withdrawn. You were going to think about the matter and contact me again after Christmas to
let me know whether you would like me to write to her or to suggest mediation to her. I did warn you that you must contact the Hurtz if you are worried about June
You also asked me about your rights relating to the new baby which is due to be born in May.
Eva has told you she does not wish you to be present during the baby’ s birth. I advised you that she had a right to make this decision and you cannot insist on being present at the birth.
Nor can you insist on being named on the Birth certificate since you are not married to Eva. If there are any doubts that the baby is yours then you could issue proceedings at court for the paternity to be determined and the court has got the power to order that DNA testing is done to establish paternity.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Goodwill
History of Hurtz’s involvement :
On the 20th of May Eva contacted us for the first time April being 14 months old at that time. When she was three, Eva visited our office, and requested a supporting letter for a nursery placement . She was advised to obtain the supporting letter from her Health Visitor. It was noted that April was receiving speech and language therapy input and it was
recommended that therapist also wrote a supporting letter. Eva was also provided with a day nursery application form and advised where to send it on completion.
On the 16th July , Eva m made telephone contact with our services and requested for April to be fostered as she was not coping. Eva was not specific about how she was not coping. It was
suggested that she think about her request and contact us again. Eva phoned an hour later and requested for April to be adopted. A home assessment visit was recommended. On the 19th July , a referral was received from Health Visitor ; She was supporting Eva’s request for April to be fostered. She reported that Eva was an isolated single parent with a history of depression and low seIf-esteem. This Was compounded by rent arrears and poor relationship April’s father who was having supervised contact visits with April. Concerns were also being
expressed around a history of mental health problems, poor relationship between adult and child and non-attendance at appointments.
On the 22nd July , Eva made contact with Hurtz to say that she had thought more about her request for April to be accommodated and she had changed her mind.
However there were lots of efforts made to make contact with the speech and language therapist to ascertain íf April was attending appointments. Unfortunately , we never received any confirmation of this.
On the 14th July the following year , a telephone referral was received from Housing Association; a neighbour had complained to the housing association that water was seeping into their flat from Eva’s property. They had to break into Eva’s property as she would not
let them in. On entry they found Eva and her daughter at home. Concerns were raised around the condition of the property which was described as being in an unhygienic state.
On the. 22 August a n initial Child Protection Case Conference was convened in respect of April . A decision was made to place April’s name on Child Protection Register under the category of neglect.
On the 10th of July a review Child protection Conference was held on April and June and the decision was made to remove their names from Child protection Register. It was felt that Eva had made significant developments since the conference. She had given birth to June, had adjusted well, was keeping appointments and there has been improvement to the state of the home environment.
On the 19th of February the case was closed as it was recognised that Eva’s home was clean and well-maintained.
On the 13 of December, I received a referral from the Learning Trust regarding April’s lack of attendance at school. An initial assessment was carried out and it was felt that her attendance to school had improved. April was well-presented and appropriately dressed. June was also appropriately dressed. It was also noticeable that the situation had vastly improved. Eva appeared to be coping well even though she was pregnant with her third child.
On the 3rd of November the following year I visited Eva at her address that was provided through the Courts, to find that it was a vacant property. She no longer lived there. On the 8th of December I made telephone contact with the family GP, Health Visitor and the school April attended to ascertain details of Eva’s home address and establish if she was still using their services. My telephone contact with the above services informed me that Eva and her children were still using their services and they did not have a change of address on her records. The Housing Association informed me that Eva and her children had been re-housed to their present accommodation a month before.
Janusz Baginski 